There are a lot of women, including myself, that have admired and thought of Wonder Woman as a strong role model. Sure she is, but I think I would have something to really wonder at if she also had Wonder Babies. If you have been following my ever diminishing posts, you will know that I have kids. They are the best and most amazing things on this planet. I mean, I am sure some of you have cute kids, too, but right now I am talking about my special snowflakes. All this said, I am kind of over it. I mean they crack me up every day. They fill me with joy and pride and loads of other hallmark bull-crepe, but I am done, overcooked and turned to dust. I know it is not just me. There are plenty of people on the Internet that all seem done and some even worse off than me. So, why does no one warn us? I mean really warn us? I vaguely remember someone talking about how being a parent is a bit exhausting, but that doesn’t even touch on it.
This is for you soon-to-be parents, people that hope someday to be parents or maybe also for those who do not wish to be parents and want to back up your beliefs: There is no word in the English language that can even begin to touch on the level of exhaustion that comes with having children. Yes, it is magical and amazing. No, I don’t regret it for one bit. I just feel like someone needs to tell you what to expect. No, it is not like pulling a few all-nighters in college. It is not just what you feel from losing an hour at daylight saving time or a wee bit of jet-lag.
Imagine not sleeping for about 200 years other than an occasional nodding off. You are also carrying a team of elephants on your shoulders, making food constantly that no one will eat and cleaning up actual shit at the same time. While you are doing all this, someone is constantly talking and asking the stupidest questions you will ever hear. You will constantly watch the same movie/TV show for years. I know Disney’s 'Cars’ so well, I have become one of those people that can point out weird stuff in the background. You will be required to heal injuries or find someone that can. This means, the more kids you have, the more time you will spend getting to know doctors, dentists, ER staff, radiologists and just about any other kind of specialist. The day will be spent making appointments for orthodontists that of course do not take children any other time than school hours. So, you will then need to spend a little more time making notes to teachers to justify the kids’ absences. You will spend nights laying awake because you know you forgot something important - “Oh shit, it’s pool day tomorrow for child #2 and I forgot to pack a bag.” - “I forgot to buy milk so breakfast should be interesting.” You will need to remember 6th grade math – yeah, THAT math that you said that you would never use again. You will deal with stupid-ass hysterical fits because the smallest kid wants to wear tap shoes to school. You will be sweating your ass off getting people out the door and in the car and all of this is before 8am. You will wonder if your neighbors are going to call the police because of all the noise coming from your house. You will look at other parents for signs that yes, they too are losing their shit. You will feel relieved to hear someone screaming at their own children because at least you know that you are not the only one. You will have to bear the criticism and “advice” from teachers, doctors and family members for just about everything you do. You will listen to non-kid adults talk about how “wiped” they are after yet another two week vacation hiking through Bali. You will have to learn to paste a smile on your face and pretend that all is awesome and that you are basking in the glow of your little sunshines.
We also expect you to maintain a “normal” life in parallel. You must maintain a full time ever-evolving career even if you fucking hate it, a healthy body so people don’t think that you’ve “let yourself go,” a stable relationship with your partner and a social life with any people that still want to be your friends (the ones that accept your new stutter and incapability to use more than two syllable words). Keeping up with the housework should be a piece of cake. Your immaculate home will be admired by anyone nuts enough to enter. The children will eat only freshly prepared organic meals along with the 5 servings of fruit and vegetable per day. They will be clean and well dressed and have good manners.
Wonder Woman will be jealous of you. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
This is for you soon-to-be parents, people that hope someday to be parents or maybe also for those who do not wish to be parents and want to back up your beliefs: There is no word in the English language that can even begin to touch on the level of exhaustion that comes with having children. Yes, it is magical and amazing. No, I don’t regret it for one bit. I just feel like someone needs to tell you what to expect. No, it is not like pulling a few all-nighters in college. It is not just what you feel from losing an hour at daylight saving time or a wee bit of jet-lag.
Imagine not sleeping for about 200 years other than an occasional nodding off. You are also carrying a team of elephants on your shoulders, making food constantly that no one will eat and cleaning up actual shit at the same time. While you are doing all this, someone is constantly talking and asking the stupidest questions you will ever hear. You will constantly watch the same movie/TV show for years. I know Disney’s 'Cars’ so well, I have become one of those people that can point out weird stuff in the background. You will be required to heal injuries or find someone that can. This means, the more kids you have, the more time you will spend getting to know doctors, dentists, ER staff, radiologists and just about any other kind of specialist. The day will be spent making appointments for orthodontists that of course do not take children any other time than school hours. So, you will then need to spend a little more time making notes to teachers to justify the kids’ absences. You will spend nights laying awake because you know you forgot something important - “Oh shit, it’s pool day tomorrow for child #2 and I forgot to pack a bag.” - “I forgot to buy milk so breakfast should be interesting.” You will need to remember 6th grade math – yeah, THAT math that you said that you would never use again. You will deal with stupid-ass hysterical fits because the smallest kid wants to wear tap shoes to school. You will be sweating your ass off getting people out the door and in the car and all of this is before 8am. You will wonder if your neighbors are going to call the police because of all the noise coming from your house. You will look at other parents for signs that yes, they too are losing their shit. You will feel relieved to hear someone screaming at their own children because at least you know that you are not the only one. You will have to bear the criticism and “advice” from teachers, doctors and family members for just about everything you do. You will listen to non-kid adults talk about how “wiped” they are after yet another two week vacation hiking through Bali. You will have to learn to paste a smile on your face and pretend that all is awesome and that you are basking in the glow of your little sunshines.
We also expect you to maintain a “normal” life in parallel. You must maintain a full time ever-evolving career even if you fucking hate it, a healthy body so people don’t think that you’ve “let yourself go,” a stable relationship with your partner and a social life with any people that still want to be your friends (the ones that accept your new stutter and incapability to use more than two syllable words). Keeping up with the housework should be a piece of cake. Your immaculate home will be admired by anyone nuts enough to enter. The children will eat only freshly prepared organic meals along with the 5 servings of fruit and vegetable per day. They will be clean and well dressed and have good manners.
Wonder Woman will be jealous of you. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.