Out of all the horrible things that happen in the world, why would this one affect me more than any of the others? The attacks on Charlie Hebdo and Hyper Cacher in January were sad and scary, but I didn't feel any personal danger after those attacks. The Boston Marathon bombing scared me because I knew that it would have been anyone I know that was hurt. It could have been us if we still lived there. Once the relief and sadness passed, it was back to routine as usual.
Then on Friday, November 13th, these spineless fucktards decided that a massacre against our freedom to enjoy life would get them eternal recognition and a life after death full of treasure and virgins. Meanwhile, in my home, I have to explain to my children why we can't leave the house and go about our lives as normal because the skate park that my son goes to on Saturdays had to be closed, and the pool that my children like to go to was closed. We try to do other activities at home, but they feel the tension. They hear their parents whispering that they are scared to take the train into Paris on Monday to go to work. That the schools will surely have a minute of silence and we have to try to explain to them why these bad people did these bad things. “Mom, are they looking in our windows right now?”
Paris has been my home for nearly 17 years. I go to work with the view of the Eiffel Tower every day (well I used to until we got moved to the dungeon). I feel sad for Paris, but I also feel sad for Beirut who had a bomb kill more than 40 people on the same day. I feel sad for all the countries that people are running away from to protect their children. I heard a blow-hard “expert on terrorism” on one of the news channels say that this is the “new normal.” Unfortunately, he is probably right, but how do we bring our children up in this new normal?
I am filled with anger. I see people on social media suggesting to strike back with violence, but strike who? Islam in not a country. Radicalism isn't always easy to spot. I am not sure they have a head office somewhere that you can find using your gps.
I am also scared shitless. I couldn't even bring myself to go about my life normally and go Christmas shopping. I drove to the store, got a shopping cart, walked up to the door and froze. I saw the throngs of people walking in and couldn't follow them. Am I afraid at being shot at? Not sure, but I know that I couldn't go in. Am I being the coward now? I have been to the Bataclan, I have been to restaurants on Canal Saint Martin, and I have been to rue Charonne. I guess that I am lucky not to know anyone that was hurt. I am lucky that I am a tired old lady with kids and we don't go out late in Paris anymore. Just a few hours before the attacks, we were under the Arc de Triomphe commemorating veterans and shaking hands with an Australian minister. My son wanted to stay for dinner, but we were tired, so we went home. We are lucky, but I still don't feel it. It could have been us, it could have been anyone we loved and it seems that it is not over.
Tomorrow morning, I have to take the train to Paris like many other commuters. I will walk across Trocadero and pretend that nothing happened. I will get sushi for lunch, talk about what we were doing Friday night when all this happened and try not to be scared for the commute back home.
So, does going back about our lives as usual mean that the cowards did not win? It doesn't feel like it.