Lots of things have happened in three years, but at the same time nothing has happened. You missed me, didn’t you?
Things that have not happened :
- I haven’t had any more kids.
- I have yet to win a Nobel for my brilliance (my time will come).
- I haven’t won the lottery, but if I did, I wouldn’t tell you anyway.
- I still haven’t gone to New Zealand but it seems that may be delayed further
- I still haven’t become a health nut.
Things that have happened :
- I started a new job .
- I ate and drank way too much.
- I kept my kids alive.
- I stayed married.
- I became French.
There is a lot more to all that but the main message is that we are all just truckin' on and doing what we can and that is OK. No matter what social media tells you, extraordinary things don’t have to happen.
I stopped coming on here because I just lost the energy. The mental overload I felt with trying to be on top of everything became physical exhaustion. I decided to concentrate on myself for a bit, but that ‘self care’ even fell off to the side. I felt like a failure. I felt invisible. I have so much to do and people that rely on me, but do they see me ? When did I become that invisible worker bee? Am I OK with that?
I started a job and realized that suddenly I was one of the old ladies. I didn’t have any coworkers excited to see me every day. No male counterparts that wanted to check out my ass. I don’t miss that part, but it’s still very strange when it stops happening. I am recognized. I am efficient and I am judged on my performance and I know that people generally like me, but other than the work that I produce, would they notice if I was no longer there? I am out of date and out of touch with the lingo of the youngsters that I work with. WTF is a tiktok?
All of this was on my mind. Do my kids notice me ? Does my husband see the person he fell in love with? The fire in me puttered out. I was just going through the motions and doing what I was supposed to do.
Here in France we should start coming out of Corona-confinement next week. Although I was going out of my brain the first few weeks, these last few weeks have been more peaceful. I see my kids and they see me. I mean more than just seeing each other 24 hours a day – they SEE me. They ask me things about me, about my childhood, my favorite cakes (all of them). I am back here because of them. I thought being as hip as the 20 year olds in my office was important, but I was wrong. The 4 people that I have been locked up with for the last 8 weeks are the ones that matter. They see me and they won’t let me go.